


Looking for the Magic

by Molespeople



Category: Spy (2015)
Genre: Aldo is a vampire, Alternate Universe - Magic, F/M, Ford is a werewolf, Magic fun, Post-Movie(s), Susan is a witch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-04-19 02:31:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4729412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Molespeople/pseuds/Molespeople
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Susan has kicked butt and taken names, but now she has to deal with a really awkward work environment. Usually magic can fix a lot of problems, but this is definitely not one of them. </p><p>With new missions on the horizon, can Susan make it work somehow?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song "The Magic" by Joan As Police Woman.

After the Hindenburg disaster, zeppelins became fixtures only of alternate universes. Susan likes to think that there's an alternate universe where computers are still thriving. She remembers where she was that fateful day, February 10th, 1996. An optimistic college undergraduate, a senior, studying Computer Science, Susan had spurned the ridiculous Ludditistic conventions of her coven. Her mother in particular had been vehemently opposed her major calling computers "black magic". But Susan was in her last semester, was preparing to graduate, was looking forward to the coding, the technological possibilities that lay in front of her when Deep Blue defeated Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. That could have been the end of it; computers could still exist to this day. But, no, Deep Blue declared itself the superior being and then electrocuted Garry, forever relegating computers to a science fiction trope. Susan took her useless Computer Science degree and became a teacher. Good thing she always had magic to fall back on.

After giving her blood, sweat and tears for 10 years in accordance to the Department of Education's overzealous contract rites, Susan had decided that a different government agency might suit her style of magic better. The regimented teaching of magic enforced by the Department of Ed. really just reminded Susan of her mother and not in a good way. So Susan studied and trained and she did very well in the CIA's training program, she always was a talented witch. She could have even seen action in the field, but then Susan saw Bradley Fine and it was like something out of a romance novel. Of course, she would become his one and only, in a work-related, entirely too platonic sense. Sometimes in the middle of the night as she lay in bed marveling at Bradley Fine's perfect symmetry, Susan wondered if the break room coffee cauldron had malfunctioned to the point to actually produce a love potion. But Susan had been coping with the status quo, satisfied with guiding Fine through her scrying glass in the CIA's basement. And then Fine had died and in a valiant effort to avenge his death and recover a powerful tome, the Paradoxi, capable of summoning apocalyptic forces, Susan had ventured into the field, at times handicapped by her fellow agent and werewolf Ford. She'd found other allies along the way like Aldo, an immortal Italian agent, and of course she had Nancy. Susan had flown all over Europe in the course of tracking down Rayna and the Paradoxi. Eventually Susan accomplished her task, saved the day. And as a weird bonus, Fine had never been dead. You would have thought Susan and Fine would have flown off into the sunset on her broom, but apparently having sex with Ford was on the agenda. 

Work is really awkward. 

No amount of magic can fix that.


	2. Hearsay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little lunch with some coworkers. Not awkward at all.

Ford slams his cafeteria tray down on the table. "You know werewolves mate for life, right?"

Susan stares at Ford in disbelief. "No, they don't. Who told you that?"

"It doesn't matter who told me," Ford says, jabbing his finger into the table. "It matters that I believe it. I expect everyone to recognize your status as my mate and treat you with the respect you deserve. Otherwise, I will be forced to summon the Werewolf High Council to rectify this injustice." 

"Also not a thing. Just eat your chicken nuggets, Ford," Susan says with a sigh. 

"I will eat my chicken nuggets," Ford growls. "Not because I fucking want to, but because they were the only protein available since the line for Burger King was too long." 

"Yeah, that's rough." 

"You don't know the half of it. I am a hot-blooded werewolf. I need to eat M-E-A-T. Just because the majority like this fucking rabbit food, I'm relegated to fucking chicken nuggets." 

Fine materializes behind Ford. "Stuck at the kid's table, Coop?” 

“What? Oh. No, I'm just having lunch with Ford and Nancy. At least I think Nancy is around here somewhere." 

Ford prods a chicken nugget. “Nancy's in the queue for Burger King. I’ll be fucking surprised if we ever see her again. That whole situation smells off. ” 

“Anyway. You know, Fine, you really shouldn’t wink on the premises. I mean it’s a hazard. You remember what happened to Jason?” 

“Yeah, remember what fucking happened to Jason? One leg fucking over here. The other fucking leg way over there. Maybe you should check if they’ve gotten the stain out yet.” 

Fine laughs and places his tray on the table. “You’re really not comparing my skills to Jason, are you, Coop? That’d be like comparing, I don’t know,” He gestures to Ford’s plate, “Ford’s Sesame Street Snack Time to my salad, a meal befitting an adult.” 

“I need the _protein_ ,” Ford growls. 

“The salad bar has tempeh.” 

“I would rather eat my fucking tongue. Again.” 

Fine laughs. “You and your hyperbole, Ford. Cracks me up.” 

“It fucking grew back, didn’t it?” 

Fine wipes the tears from his eyes. “Sure, it did.” 

“Werewolves do have regenerative capabilities,” Susan chimes in. “It was in Singapore, wasn’t it?”

“That’s right. I ate my fucking tongue in fucking Singapore.” Ford takes a bite of his chicken nugget as if daring Fine to continue to challenge him. 

Susan looks at the exchange and decides that eating her food will probably be a safer choice than dealing with that mess. 

“Attention everybody,” Patrick drones loudly from the corner of the cafeteria. “We have had a slight ward malfunction. If you’ve noticed any temporal inconsistencies, please alert my department as soon as possible.” 

Everyone in the cafeteria points towards the line at Burger King.

“I fucking told you, didn’t I?” Ford taps his nose. “It smelled off, didn’t it?” 

Susan gestures towards the Burger King. “I better go, uh, help them with the containment ward, save Nancy. Yeah. ”

“We still on for drinks later, Cooper?” 

Susan looks longingly at the sanctuary that is the Burger King. “Yeah, Ford. Let’s just meet at my place.”

Ford makes a weirdly sexual face. Susan has never seen someone look so sensual while holding a chicken nugget. “I’ll be there with fucking bells on.” 

Susan wonders how she can simultaneously dread and look forward to something at the same time. “Okay,” she says with a strained smile. “Gotta go help save Nancy now.” 

Susan tries not to eavesdrop on Fine and Ford’s conversation as she leaves. 

“You know where she lives?”

“Of course I bloody know where she lives. She’s my mate, isn’t she?” 

Susan tries to refrain from hitting her head against the wall. That’s something she still needs to work on apparently. Great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ford's grandmother told him that werewolves mate for life. Not that he'd ever admit it. 
> 
> I'm still trying to nail down a plot for this sucker. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Looking for a Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Susan gets some axe time.

Nancy follows Susan down the hallway. "It's a good thing you were nearby, Susan. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life queuing trying to decide what way was my way."

"I think someone would have saved you eventually, you know." 

"But it might have taken them 20 years to find the right spell! Believe me when I say this, Susan, you're the most talented witch I know."

Susan shakes her head. "Oh gosh, you're gonna make me blush or something. It was just a extrapolation of the Lovelace Principle." 

"Oh, just some revolutionary Applied Mathmagics. Nothing to see here. It's not like I would eat my shoe to be able to do the same. Move along folks, Susan didn't just _own_ magic."

Susan laughs and gestures to the stairwell with her thumb. "Anyway, I think I need to put this puppy back in the basement. You know how touchy Leon gets when the books leave the area."

Nancy nods solemnly. "Yes, unfortunately I do. Three words: _The Caterpillar Incident _."__

__Susan can feel the blood leave her face. "Yeah, I need to go now," she says as she rushes down the stairs._ _

__"I'll see you later, Susan, hopefully with fingers resembling fingers and not larvae! I owe you a drink regardless."_ _

__\------------_ _

__Susan manages to return the book to the basement collection with her fingers unscathed. She’s also not above bribes. Do you know how hard it is to wield an axe with caterpillar hands? Susan imagines it would be difficult but she's not going to find out any time soon._ _

__Susan pauses in her tracks and turns and heads towards the MTR. Susan's got some problems that swinging an axe could solve. There's something so Zen about practicing in the Magic Training Room. Just Susan and Bonehacker, her axe, she really needs some _me_ time. So she's a little disappointed when she finds the training room occupied. Susan tries not to roll her eyes when she sees Ford lying prostrate on a mat. Werewolves don't use magical conduits to perform magic, but most of their attacks are limited to the close range. So unlike Susan's axe, Fine's sword or Nancy's staff, Ford just needs his body. Susan stares longingly at the cavernous training room and the shooting range that Ford can't use before turning around. _ _

__"What kind of workout was that?" Ford says, his voice rumbling against the mat._ _

__Susan rolls her eyes. "Did you have a nice nap?"_ _

__Ford jumps to his feet. "I wasn't fucking napping. I was meditating, wasn't I?"_ _

__"Sure looks like a real workout."_ _

__Ford stretches. "So you think you could give me a real workout?"_ _

__"I know I can." Susan pauses. "That's not a euphemism, right?"_ _

__Ford wriggles his eyebrows. "We could make it a euphemism."_ _

__Susan pulls her axe out of her holster._ _

__"Or not," Ford adds._ _

__Susan runs her finger across the axe head and whispers the mandatory safety enchantment. This way even if she lands a blow with Bonehacker, Ford will get to keep his limbs. "Ready when you are," Susan says with a twirl of her axe._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update! 
> 
>  
> 
> ..... A very short update. :( 
> 
> I'm hoping I'll get inspired this weekend. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	4. Duel Interrupted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Susan and Ford continue their duel.

Susan darts out of Ford's reach and swings her axe landing a glancing blow in return. 

Ford throws his head back and laughs. "You're going to have to try harder than that. I've been in more intense pillow fights." 

Susan rolls her eyes. "Uh-huh. You know that if I didn't have the safety on, your arm wouldn't be, right?" 

Ford executes an unnecessary backflip. "Right. I think you'll find I'm made of sterner stuff."

Susan twirls Bonehacker in her hand and strands of magic begin to collect at the eye of the axe. When she's satisfied that the cotton candy-like orb of magic is a suitable size, she launches it at Ford.

It would have connected too if the training room door hadn't been opened, triggering the mandatory dampening enchantment. Susan tries not to be disappointed as she watches her ball of magic sink into the floor. 

Ford's back is to the door but he's still able to identify the interloper. "I think you'll find this room is occupied, Beverly." 

Fine smirks and leans cavalierly against the doorframe. "I thought you might be foaming at the mouth for some real competition." 

"Are you talking to me or him?" Susan asks, pointing to herself. "I don't know what duel you were watching, but I think I was doing just fine."

Ford shrugs his shoulders. "He fucking better not be talking to me with this foaming at the mouth shit. Looks like some twat needs some fucking sensitivity training."

Fine quirks his eyebrow. "Me? I'm the one who needs sensitivity training." Fine unbuttons his shirt and swaggers into the room. 

Ford covers his eyes. "Why are you unbuttoning your fucking shirt?" 

"I happen to like this shirt. I don't want to get slobber all over it."

Ford brushes his thumb against his nose. "Why don't you say that to my fucking face?" 

Fine rolls his eyes. "I think you'll find I did say that to your face." 

Ford jumps up and down, shaking out his limbs. "Right. That's fucking it. We're doing this." 

Fine draws his sword from the scabbard at his hip. Susan takes a moment to admire the craftsmanship of the blade. Like Susan's Bonehacker, Thistler was a family heirloom. Except while Bonehacker was a relic from the wisps of Susan's Dwarfish ancestry, Fine's sword was resoundingly Elfish with a delicate-looking blade and ornate etching. Her mother could have even appreciated the beauty of Thistler even though she had been severely disappointed when Susan chose Bonehacker instead of a nice, normal witch appropriate conduit from the family's collection. 

Susan watches as Fine runs his finger through the elaborate scrollwork on Thistler's blade. Safety enchantment engaged, Ford and Fine begin to circle each other. Susan's presence apparently fades into the background as the men in the room are overcome with the noxious presence of the male ego. Not in the mood to witness Ford and Fine make asses of themselves, she decides to go back to her cubicle. When she hears Fine exclaim, "You bit me!" She knows she made the right choice. 

It's not entirely unexpected when she receives a garbled looking Scroll from Ford, the silvery words dangling in the air. It's times like this that Susan misses cell phones. They were so straightforward. Scrolls manage to do the same thing but in such a complicated and roundabout way that only magic could accomplish. Reception isn't much of a problem, unless you're in a magic dampening field. The real problem is that the wispy text of each Scroll smells like cat pee and barbecue sauce. It's not particularly pleasant. Susan doesn't have cats for a reason. The Scroll itself is kind of ... vague.

_Xpprr? U &kkmerry tiy sr yue dixlobf piv,Zwinglier ud chat dixlobf fubomf nu sm qede vgrqybh._

Susan spends about three minutes trying to decipher a possible message from the letters because Ford thinks he has the skill to manipulate the Scroll device, a button-encrusted metallic cylinder, without looking at it. He doesn't. Clearly. Susan frowns and waves her axe halfheartedly through the floating letters as if it would magically make things clearer. Why did she get involved with Ford of all people? She tries all the deciphering spells in her repertoire to not avail. It only takes 20 minutes for her to craft an original enchantment that anticipates what words Ford might be trying to spell. It's not perfect, but she gets: 

_Cooper, I'll meet you at the ducking pubic. Crocker is busy ducking giving me an arse chewing._

Yeah, it's not perfect - the enchantment still has a few bugs - but it's better than before. Susan gets ready to leave for the bar. She has a feeling that tonight isn't going to be much of an improvement. Susan normally wouldn't count Divination among her talents, but the foreboding resembles a brick in her stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE A PLOT AT LEAST. SO THAT'S GOOD. That's not much of it in this chapter, but I SWEAR there's a plot. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	5. It Takes Two to Tango

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Susan ends up at the club.

Susan navigates through the crush of people at the bar. With the day she's been having she really needs a drink and then she'll find Nancy and Ford. Of course, that's easier said than done. Susan ends up wedged against the bar. She tries waving her arms to summon the bartender and then briefly wonders if she's wandered into a leftover invisibility enchantment left by someone who wanted to be left alone while they drank. Bars usually aren't the best place to start waving an axe around. She'll get some attention, but not the kind that will put alcohol in a cup and given to her. Maybe if she climbs onto the bar, she'll get some service around here. 

But even in the crush of people, the person pressed up behind her is getting a little too personal with her personal space. Susan's ready to throw an elbow and then they speak, the resulting rumble making her bones vibrant pleasantly. It even draws the bartender's attention. The wad of cash in his hand doesn't hurt either.  
   
"Rum and coke and an Appletini."  
   
The bartender nods in acknowledgement.  
   
"Well, that's not fair,” Susan mutters under her breath as she turns around. "I was going to have to take my shirt off and start doing the can-can or something to get any service."  
   
Ford presses against her and whispers in her ear. "Sheer animal magnetism, Cooper." Susan tries not to squirm. "I'm a fucking animal magnet."

And just like that the moment is gone. "I don't think you're literally an animal magnet." 

"All I know is when I was on a mission in Hungary, five thousand sheep followed me for twenty miles in a fucking snowstorm. Thus, I was able to successfully infiltrate and dismantle a sheep smuggling ring single-handedly. I'm a fucking legend in the Hungarian shepherding community." The bartender delivers their drinks, interrupting Ford's hyperbolic shepherding feats. Ford peels off two twenties to pay the bartender. "Cheers." 

Susan takes advantage of the lull in the conversation and takes a large sip of her drink. Alcohol is its own type of magic. "That hits the spot. How's your Appletini?" 

Ford samples the smoking green liquid. "It's not poison." 

Susan gestures with her drink towards Ford. "Well that's a start." 

"Do you want a sip?"

"Not right now. Maybe later?"

"Suit yourself, Cooper." 

Susan spots Nancy waving in the corner. "Oh! I see Nancy now."

Ford wrinkles his nose and then scowls. "And fucking Fine is with her." 

Susan jumps up and down trying to see through the crowd. "How can you tell?" 

"I can fucking smell his pompous cologne, can't I?" 

Susan gestures towards Ford's drink. "I'll take that sip now." 

Ford gestures towards Susan's rum and coke. "Trade you." 

\-------

Susan looks forlornly towards the bar. She's out of alcohol. She's already asked Nancy for a sip of her wine, and Ford is too preoccupied with Fine to work his magic at the bar. 

Ford, having reached his limit with Fine, growls and pushes away from the table. "I'm going to dance with my girlfriend." 

Susan looks around for this supposed girlfriend before she realizes that Ford is referring to her. But by the time that happens she's on the "dance floor." 

There's not really any music. Ford didn't really plan this out well. But they spend a couple of moments swaying together. Ford keeps trying to punch the air like a tired boxer. Susan just wraps Ford's arms around her waist - it's safer for everybody that way. 

"May I cut in?" 

Ford is apparently taken aback by the suggestion that Fine has balls and Susan ends up dancing the tango, to no music, in the middle of a bar. In one of the many dips that Fine subjects her to, Susan sees Ford skulk off. She doesn't necessarily think anything of it at the time, too annoyed by Fine's shenanigans. 

Susan sighs. "What are you doing, Fine?" 

"I believe it's called the tango, Coop." 

Susan rolls her eyes. "I mean this," Susan says, gesturing back and forth between herself and Fine. 

"I don't know what you're talking about." 

"I thought we were doing okay as friends, Fine."

"Maybe I want to be more than friends." 

Susan tries to rein in the remnants of her 10-year crush on Fine, the embers of the torch she used to carry for him. "Uh-huh. And it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that I'm doing whatever I'm doing with Ford right now?" 

Fine throws his head back, tousling his hair in the process. "Honestly, Coop, you can do so much better." 

Susan shrugs. "Maybe I could. I guess... It's not fair for you to interfere with my love life, Fine, if you don't have feelings for me." Fine doesn't make eye contact with Susan. "Because honestly this whole competition with Ford is really exhausting." 

The corner of Fine's mouth twitches. "You're telling me."

"Friends?" 

"Friends."

Susan gets one last spin on the dance floor. When she returns to the table, it's just Nancy. 

"Ford's gone home for the night." 

Susan looks around the bar hoping to spot that familiar baldhead. "Oh. Really?" 

"He said he had a mission in the morning. He's going to Naples! Isn't that exciting? Maybe he'll bring you back a souvenir."

\-------------

When Susan sends Ford a Scroll later, there's no response. She tries to rationalize the silence, Ford's probably preoccupied preparing for his mission. It does little to counteract the sour feeling in her stomach. 

Days past and Susan still doesn't hear from Ford and that's normal-ish. She usually gets some sort of cryptic message by Scroll like _Forgot to buy cubed cheese for the party_ or _Delilah just got a new puppy_. 

But there's nothing. And then they get intel that Ford's been captured by the Napoli mafia/secretive criminal organization, the Camorra.

When Susan rescues Ford she's going to sit him down and come up with a proper code word system.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah if you can't tell. The plot I decided on was the ones we saw in the credits: Operation Clean Jerk. 
> 
> That's coming up next. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! I appreciate every single kudos and comment. :3
> 
> I don't foresee an update any time soon. I'm shifting gears to focus on my NaNoWriMo. I can safely say maybe December. Sorry :(


	6. When in...Naples

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Susan is going to rescue Ford.

It turns into a rescue mission. Susan breaks out her muffin tins. She's not taking any chances. Susan will be selected for this mission if she has to give all her coworkers cavities to do so. It has the added benefit of keeping her hands occupied. Once she has saturated the office with baked good bribery, she focuses on prepping for the mission. Bonehacker is shiny and primed with power. Susan has double and triple-checked the magical conduit. She prepares spells, standard issue and her own devastating creations. She is not taking any chances. Thankfully, Fine is in her corner. Susan knows that Crocker has already decided to send her, but Susan also knows that Crocker appreciates Fine's attempts to butter her up. 

Crocker had said so, waving one of Susan's muffins about. "You could learn a lesson or two from Fine. There's considerably less guilt involved with Fine. What's in these muffins? Cocaine? Jesus Christ, Cooper, it's like you're some sort of waistline terrorist."

Susan had raised her eyebrows. "The old Fine _Wine and Dine_. A little vino, a nice meal, a flirty conversation. Got it." 

"I would much rather we limit our conversations, Cooper. You make me uncomfortable. Honestly. Leave the wining and dining to Fine. You're better off baking your demonic muffins."

Susan gets the mission. Sasha Baciare, professional weightlifting coach, is heading to Naples. 

Susan has begrudgingly gotten used to flying again. It was far easier for Susan to place her faith in physics. After computers and technology fell out of fashion, airplanes got an overhaul. The experience is not unlike traveling in a winged sardine can, packed together with other passengers. And of course without the guidance of the computerized guidance systems, your life is in the hands of the pilots as they chant their way to your destination. Cheaper airlines that rely on auto-chanters also have the tendency to deliver you to a location adjacent to your intended destination. Thankfully, Susan/Sasha arrives in Naples as promised. 

She takes a moment to adjust her floppy hat and blonde wig, her disguises seem to be upgraded with every successful mission, before venturing outside. Susan doesn't have to wait long for her favorite vampire. Aldo's arrival is heralded by honks, yelling, and literal curses in Italian. Susan winces at some of them. Aldo better thank his lucky stars that the amulet that allows him to venture in the sunlight also affords him some protection to being turned into a shuffling syphilitic ball sack. Aldo pulls up to the curb and Susan takes a deep breath, muttering a spell for protection and luck under her breath. Aldo uses some of his supernatural speed, hopping out of the car to greet her. 

"Bellissima!" 

"Hello, Aldo. How are you?" 

"Me? I am fabulous. It is a sunny day. I am in the company of a beautiful lady."

Susan squints with appreciation before donning her sunglasses. "Aw, thank you." 

Aldo leans closer, taking her hand. "The only thing that could make it a little better," He pauses to sniff her wrist. "Maybe a little blood between friends." 

Susan snatches her hand away. "Maybe next time, buddy." 

Aldo tilts his head. "Ah, no matter. One day. Though, perhaps, I would need to ask permission from the werewolf first." 

Susan snorts. "You would only need my permission and you're not getting it." 

Aldo sniffs. "Your lips say no, but your -" 

"Nope. Nope, that's saying no, too. I honestly prefer that all my blood stays within the parameters of my skin." 

Aldo opens the car door for her. "I do prefer my blood spicy." 

"I'm just going to file that under Too Much Information, Aldo." 

Aldo sighs and pulls his sunglasses over his eyes. His amulet does afford him protection from the sun. The fact that he's not a steaming pile of ash attests to that, but Aldo is still susceptible to the UV rays. He jumps behind the wheel and Susan wishes she could just call a taxi as Aldo pulls into traffic without looking, but she makes due with clutching Bonehacker, spelled to look like a handbag. After a couple of close calls, Susan is tempted to press the be-spelled jewel in her ear and inform Nancy of any changes to her last will and testament and possibly encourage Nancy to seek vengeance for her death. Instead, she gives Aldo an earful.

"Hecate's fun bags, Aldo. Are you trying to kill me?" 

Aldo shrugs. "You are not that easy to kill. I am also not that easy to kill and I like to drive fast." 

Susan stifles a scream as the car ventures onto two wheels as they turn a corner. "If you hit a tree, you could still die. Get a branch in just the right spot. Poof. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."

"I do not drive fast around trees."

Susan waves her disguised Bonehacker about. "Slow down, buddy or I'm going to fill this car with toothpicks." 

Aldo sulkily slams on the brakes, guiding the car into an impossibly tight alley. "Okay. We shall make the business happen now, yes? We shall get the werewolf back." 

Susan sighs and adjusts her blouse. There's a little too much Susan showing at the moment. "That's the plan, Aldo. So, yes, I would like to survive your driving to make it happen." 

Aldo shakes his head. "You should enjoy the ride while it lasts, I think." He uses his annoyingly precise vampiric reflexes to reverse the car, whipping them into traffic. "What is, how you say, the sitch?" 

"Ford was running a counterintelligence operation during a small summit of world leaders, but managed to draw the attention of the Camorra."

Aldo shrugs. "The Camorra, they know what is happening everywhere in Naples. The smell of strange werewolf, it is like wet dog. You can smell it from across the room. If you are a vampire, you can smell it across the city." 

Susan sighs. "We have two days before the auction of Ford's body parts starts. We have to find a way to infiltrate -- Brake, Aldo! Brake!" 

Susan spends the rest of the car ride muttering protective spells under her breath. She's not taking any chances. How is Susan supposed to rescue Ford if she can't survive a spin in Aldo's death mobile?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The delay in posting this chapter was regrettable. I did not win NaNoWriMo - I've got 35K and nothing to show for it looooool. That kind of put a damper on my writing spirit. 
> 
> I hope to finish the rest of this fic before I have to go back to work. Thanks for reading!


	7. Quite the Show

If Susan was worried about how Sasha Baciare, professional weight lifter, was going to intercept the secret vampire mafia, Aldo had her back and two tickets for the symphony. 

"It is like showtunes for the vampire." Aldo had pauses to stare lovingly at the tickets. "Beethoven knew how to, how you say, bring it."

And that's how they end up at Teatro di San Carlo. Sasha is in a darling blue velvet number, so Susan is feeling a little luxurious especially once she steps into the theater. It's all gilt and red velvet and it's breathtaking. 

Even Nancy thinks so. _"Oh, Susan. You must see if they have a gift shop. I need a postcard at the very least."_

"We'll see, Nance." 

_"Well, I, for one, am looking forward to it, but let's get Ford back first, shall we?"_

Susan looks around, she's trying to take in her surroundings, but also keep an eye out for any Camorra members. Aldo seems convinced he will be able to pick them out of the crowd and Susan wonders if they wear nametags or of they have little Camorra pins. 

She shouldn't have worried about that either. She takes her eyes off the stage for one moment. Susan surveys the crowd and like a creepy magnet, one stranger meets her gaze. The stranger is handsome - all slicked back hair, sharp cheekbones and an impeccably tailored suit. There's a cotton candy-like poof of white next to him and Susan realizes that this guy had the balls to bring a Standard Poodle to the symphony. She can feel Aldo flinch besides her, before he leans in and brushes her lips against her ear. 

"We must leave now." 

Susan smiles and looks around. She taps Aldo's arm and tries to mime her intentions as she squeezes her way past the other occupants of the booth. "Scusi. I should not have had that third glass of wine."

Susan walks purposefully through the hallway. Susan whispers, mindful of the ongoing performance, "Do we know what spooked Aldo?" 

_"I'm running a facial recognition spell now."_

And then the man with the poodle is standing in the hallway. Susan could have sworn he was in the opposite direction. "Ah, I believe that would be me, signora." 

Susan tilts her head in an attempt to be coy. "You might have the point. Your poodle must have triggered his cynophobia or something." 

And then the poodle steps forward and opens its mouth. Susan wonders if she's hallucinating Rayna's voice. "Susan Cooper, we meet again." 

Susan decides to roll with it. "I thought you were supposed to be in jail, Rayna."

"I have very good lawyers. But being cursed to be a poodle for 200 years is its own kind of jail."

"Yeah, I don't really know who they're punishing though. They decided that a fucking talking poodle was the way to go? Like who thought that was a good idea? Like I really want to stand around listening to you yap."

Poodle Rayna sniffs and tosses her head in the air. "No matter. I shall have my revenge." 

Susan points her finger in the poodle's face. "I wasn't joking about shaving you." 

The man steps forward and bows his head slightly. "I would ask that you reconsider, Miss Cooper. It would ruin the aesthetic." 

Susan grips her clutch purposefully. "I don't even know your name, buddy. Maybe you should stay out of it."

The man smiles, it's a wolfish grin, and the next thing Susan knows he stretches his neck and then he's holding Bonehacker disguised as a clutch. "If the alternative is Buddy, you may address me as Lucas." Lucas shakes her clutch, dislodging one of her most impressive cloaking spells like it was a fly. "And you will find that my hospitality does not extend to such taunts, especially while armed."

Susan tries not to swallow her tongue. Lucas has no business being so intimidatingly competent. "Noted."

Susan can barely hear Nancy over the beating of her heart. _"Susan, are you seeing what I'm seeing? Would it be terribly wrong if you got his number for me? No, never mind. Bad, Nancy, bad."_

Lucas gestures an arm. "Now, you must forgive my manners. It is high past time to reunite you with your werewolf agent. His presence has been a treat to say the least."

Susan tries to keep her cool, but her spine feels like it's made out of ice cubes instead. 

Lucas claps his hands and the Camorra equivalent of vampire backup dancers show up. Susan looks around, taking note of possible weaknesses, as they strong-arm her down the hallway. "Impressive entrance, I guess, until you realize that you fellas were just creeping in the shadows waiting for your cue." Susan gestures as much as she can with her arm restrained by vampire strength. "This guy knows what I'm talking about." 

They take her to the basement of the Teatro di San Carlo, which Susan doesn't think is extremely original, but she'll take it. Aldo is lying on the floor like a slab of dead meat, but Susan is pretty sure that's how vampires are supposed to look while they're unconscious. 

Lucas waves an arm, half-heartedly. "Yes, yes, you will find your neutered vampire is as intact as he can be given the circumstances."

Rayna trots over to Aldo's temporarily inanimate corpse. "I can't believe I'm about to smell a dead body." She says as she shoves her nose into Aldo's armpit. Susan would like to think that Rayna adds, "This is disgusting." However, it's a little too muffled. 

Lucas picks up Aldo's body with one hand and opens a trap door with the other. Aldo gets dropped into the dark hole, but thankfully Susan gets the option of using the ladder.

It's dark and Susan is already thinking of how she can get out of this rather horrible situation when she hears Ford's voice. "Cooper, I knew my mate would find me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter methinks. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	8. The Last Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Susan, Aldo and Ford are stuck in a pit. How are they going to get out of this?

"I'm not fucking complaining, but you sure did take your fucking time, didn't you?" 

Susan sighs as she fumbles around in the darkness. "And yet, it sounds like you're complaining." 

"Let's see how fucking enthused you'd be if some fucking wanker cut out your fucking liver, fucking ate some of it, and then fucking fed the rest to you." 

Susan freezes in the darkness. "That didn't really happen, did it?"

Ford makes a sad little huffing noise. "I wish it would have fucking happened. Tempeh, fucking tempeh, Cooper. I've been eating soybean product for a week."

Susan sighs, her heart is beating a little easier now. "Okay. Other than that, are you okay?"

"They fucking cut off my fucking fingers, didn't they. But they fucking grew back already so it's fine. Except it fucking isn't because now all my fucking calluses are gone. It's like I've got fucking baby hands."

"I have a confession, Ford," Susan says as she bumps into the chair he's chained to. "I do prefer you with fingers, calluses or no.” She holds his hand for a moment in the darkness. Susan takes a moment to find comfort in the warmth of Ford’s hands, but she soon moves on to the chains. It's a pretty impressive piece of magic and _old_. Susan chortles mentally at the idea that these chains have been sitting around in some vampire's basement for like two thousand years. Thankfully magic has progressed in that timeframe; otherwise Ford would have been stuck rattling chains for the rest of his life and potentially in the afterlife as well. The process of hacking the enchantment would have been easier with Bonehacker but Susan makes it work. 

As soon as Ford is free, Susan finds herself enveloped in a hug. "I fucking missed you, Cooper." 

"I missed you, too, Ford." In the dark, Susan mistakenly pats his shaved head instead of his back. "Let's say we get out of here."

"I'd say that's a fucking good idea as we are in a fucking pit." 

"Nance? Are you there?" 

_"Oh, yes. Sorry. I got a little distracted. There's this talking poodle and I swear it sounds like Rayna."_

"It is Rayna." 

_"Oh, that explains a lot and it is also slightly worrying. Poodle Rayna is auctioning off two CIA agents and an AISE agent. I think it’s safe to say she's talking about you, Susan, and Ford and Aldo."_

"Great." 

_"Though maybe you would be happy to know that the bidding has gotten quite high. Somebody wants your parts, your lady parts, you might say."_ Nancy takes a minute to laugh at her own joke. 

Susan winces. "Well, I'm still using them so not as happy as I could be." 

_"Yes, unfortunately, I thought that might be the case. Also, potentially bad news, I've been told that we're not allowed to use missiles on the Teatro di San Carlo. But for the record, Susan, I’m very tempted to if it would get you out of there any faster."_

"Thanks, Nance, I appreciate the sentiment at the very least. But I think that’s for the best, you know, besides it being a landmark, it is in a heavily populated area. It's not its fault that it's crawling with Camorra vamps."

Ford paces in the darkness. "I'd say blow the whole fucking thing up. Fuck the Camorra. Who gives a tossing fuck about history?"

Susan rolls her eyes. "Please don't listen to Ford." 

_"I was not planning to. But it really begs the question, Susan, how are you getting out of there? Do you even have Bonehacker with you? How are you going to get out of this without a conduit? It's nearly impossible."_

Susan looks to where she thinks Ford is standing in the dark. In this moment, she's a little sad that she doesn't have the fabled abilities of a werewolf mate. It would be nice to feel connected even in the pitch black. And then Susan has an idea. "Ford, give me your hand." 

"It's attached to my fucking arm right now." 

Susan sighs. "I'm considering it a package deal. Please hold my hand."

"You don't have to ask me twice, darling." 

"I think -- I think I just -- No, never mind."

Susan uses Ford as her conduit and the whole experience is slightly fuzzy. Apparently her brain just whites out with power. 

She does know this. Connecting with Ford in that way was the most intimate experience she had ever had. She had never felt so in tune with her magic or another person. They magicked their way out of their pit, Ford carried Aldo. Every vampire opponent they came across, they turned to stone. Lucas made an especially pretty statue. The marble was able to temper the more creep aspects of his personality. Susan shaved Rayna. There was no avoiding that. 

The power they wielded was intoxicating and when they separated, finally safe, Susan felt bereft. Apparently, Ford felt the loss as well if their joining of the Mile High Club was anything to go by. 

The whole experience was only slightly marred by the fact that it convinced Ford that they were married and Susan couldn't convince him otherwise. Apparently his grandmother had described the mythical werewolf bonding very similarly to their conduit experience. 

It threw a bit of a wrench in everyday operations. Every time she talked to Fine, Ford would find a way to interject. "You're talking to a married woman" or even "You're fucking flirting with a fucking married woman." 

Eventually Ford peer pressured the agency into throwing them a wedding reception. Their coworkers brought gifts or else they risked being called "cheapskate twats". Susan had reluctantly gone along with it. It helped that they received a shiny KitchenAid cauldron.

Finally, almost four months later, after Ford had spent 10 minutes telling Crocker the virtues of being married to Susan, Susan had dragged Ford to a supply closet. "Listen carefully, Ford, we are not married," she had hissed.

"That hurts my fucking feelings, Cooper. We're fucking werewolf married." 

"Legally, Ford, we are not married." 

Ford had gone down to his knees, knocking a box of staples off the shelf. "Will you fucking marry me legally then?" 

Work doesn't get less awkward once Susan and Ford are werewolf married and legally married, but it does help solidify their work relationships. Fine stops trying to use his interactions with Susan to egg Ford on Ford stops metaphorically pissing all over her whenever she has a conversation with Fine. Susan finds that she enjoys her life with her werewolf husband, but it's not perfect.

She still misses computers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finished! 
> 
> Thank you for reading! I know it's been a long trip. I was inspired to write this after watching Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell. THAT WAS BACK IN AUGUST. Hahah.
> 
> I'm thinking about writing a sequel to I Tell Myself I Was Doing Alright, but I'm not sure. MAYBE?
> 
> Again, thank you for reading. Have a very happy new year!


End file.
